hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
