I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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