Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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