I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
