What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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