if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
