i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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