When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
