ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
