New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
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