I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
