I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
