Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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