My liver just broke up with me...
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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