I cockslap morals
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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