so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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