mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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