I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Randomize
