Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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