i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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