I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
