Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
