he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
