He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
