I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
