fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
