Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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