im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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