in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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