A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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