I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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