Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
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i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
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I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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