I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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