Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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