I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
