He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
