Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
