party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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