fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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