How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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