Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
