you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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