It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
