no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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