if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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