So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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