bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
