grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
