I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
