i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
