here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
