Someone shit on the floor
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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