I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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