you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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