I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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