please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
