dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
